Playing Dress Up

Every one has their down days, weeks, months, or even years. Every so often life seems to pin wheel out of control sending us on a dead end road in the middle of no where.

You know the times I’m talking about?

When even as you’re standing in a room completely full of people, you look around and think “I am so alone right now”. And every little thing makes you want to burst into tears for no logical reason.

I’ve been feeling that frequently over the passed couple weeks. No matter what happened or what I tried doing, I just couldn’t snap myself out of it.

This last Saturday, I stepped my game up. I threw on some comfy, warm (because it’s fall and everything after dark is like stepping into a freezer) clothes and took myself out to a concert one of my favorite bands was playing.

The first half hour or so was spent with that alone feeling. I was texting one of my best friends and my boyfriend, but still it sat in the pit of my stomach kicking my anxiety levels into gear and making me question why I even bothered going.

Then a band I like, that I didn’t realize was playing that night, came out, and that empty feeling fell away.

Music has this crazy, beautiful way of uniting a room full of strangers. I know I’ve said it before, but you can’t sit around and wait for someone to feed your happy. Recovering from an episode sometimes takes doing it yourself.

After the band played that I was there to watch, I left because I had to be up early. When I got back to my car I was overwhelmed by this feeling of… Me. I felt like me for the first time in a long while. I hadn’t realized I had missed that full part of me for as long as I have been.

I was unconditionally happy. Every worry I had been holding in had left. The fights I had that were weighing me down felt lighter.

The next couple days seemed to be easier to get through. I decided to get dressed up when my boyfriend wanted to go to dinner: dress, heels, full face of make up. That hadn’t been on my list of priorities in like.. months.

Taking that first step, putting on real clothes, getting out of my comfort zone for an evening, helped kick start a process that nothing else was turning over.

When we were younger, we’d play make believe. Pretend we were something we weren’t. Live out a fantasy as something magical, or what we wanted to be when we grew up. Somewhere along the line, that stopped. Why? We’re older. We know things we didn’t know back then.

Sure, our definition of make believe has changed.

That doesn’t have to stop us from dressing up and doing the thing that’s out of character for us.

Go do the thing.

People and Change

Recently, I’ve heard a lot of stories about people “changing”; I wanted to use this as an opportunity to share my views as to why I think that’s all bullshit. Now I know you’re thinking “Oh boy, a negative rant is coming” but you’re wrong. I believe there are different levels to the human psyche and what people call “change” is really just an evolution of something that is already there. Or on the reverse side of the spectrum, it’s a ruse.

We are all the product of the nurturing that was given to us as children. There’s so many stories out there about successful people coming from broken homes and abusive parents. When you dive in and look at these stories, there’s always a positive in there like an idol or a hobby. Young boy may have taken up basketball and because that made him feel good, he honed his skills and received a scholarship or whatnot, or a young girl could have had a nice neighbor who she grew up to do something similar as to become a productive member of society.

There’s also those that took to the substance lifestyle, and because that made them feel good and welcome, they became addicts. When those addicts “turn their life around”, they’re only holding the bad behind a curtain that could come crashing down at any moment.

A child that grew up in, let’s say, a cannibal colony grows up thinking that cannibalism is an acceptable thing. Colony gets raided, child moves out into the real world where he learns his definition of right and wrong isn’t the societal definition of right and wrong. He’ll grow up knowing it isn’t okay to chow down on his best friend, but if that wall shifts that he had built over that part of his life, guess what? His little friend could become dinner.

Someone in prison, who grew up surrounded by bad can move his focus to the positive in life and get his shit on track. That negative thing still lingers in the hallway of his brain, though. He looses that positive focus and ends right back where he started.

I have a friend who when younger had friends that influenced him negatively, and as he got older, made more positive friendships and was able to switch everything that was negative in his life over to something more positive. That “change” wasn’t an actual change. I knew his “before self” and could tell all of the drive was there waiting to be unlocked.

Take me for example, in high school I thought I had to find “The One” at an early age. My whole focus was on men and trying to make myself be whatever they needed. I was fortunate to find a mentor at work, which led me to turn my focus to just finding the love for me and making myself be the best version of me that I needed.

There’s also the fact that I have never believed in marriage. Every marriage that I had to look to when I was growing up was either broken or didn’t last. Meeting my boyfriend, that focus changed. The positivity he brings to me and the support he has given me so far had adjusted that view point to where I could see things going that way. However, there are days I still don’t want to go through with it,but at the end of the day when the negative has cleared, I still see that.

The term change in and of itself is terrifying for people. Usually, when that is the case, it’s because they literally don’t have it in them to change. There isn’t that other door there to be opened. A positive force can push and push and push, but doorways don’t just magically appear in areas where there is no give. And even when they do, it’s like an unstable cave waiting for collapse.

A friend once told me “You can’t fix stupid”. I think that perfectly applies to trying to “change” when you just can’t.

If someone internally has that other side to them, with a positive or negative turn of the focus, people grow into their true selves. No changing involved.

Focus is the key.

New Adventures

People tend to get set in their own ways. We develop these routines, or even just have our own specific interests that we vehemently hold onto and only do those things.
There’s nothing wrong with that.
It’s been shown that as we age, our interests change. If we aren’t out there expanding our horizons and learning new things, there isn’t room for growth. Sticking to a set of specifics gets tiring. I believe this is a cause for depression.

Over the last few months, I’ve tried so many new food places and listened to such a wide variety of music than what I usually do. I feel so much better than I have before. Seeing the world through new eyes has gotten me to come out of a rut that I didn’t know I had fallen into.

I still struggle some days, but it seems to be a smaller window of down than it has been before.

Putting yourself in a new, unfamiliar environment can be terrifying. Believe me, I have passed on quite a few opportunities just for that fact.

Risk can be rewarding, though.

You might fall in love with a new culture, or scene, or even just a person.

If you’re constantly doing or listening to the same things over and over, make a change.

A boring life isn’t fulfilling.

Hit up a new restaurant.

Check out a different type of concert.

Spread your wings and fly, Sweetheart.

Persistence is Key

What are your dreams?

What do you strive for?

Are you working towards your goals?

Have you hit a roadblock and given up? Why?

If you’re not happy with where you are in life, make a change.

Start chasing your dreams.

You’re never too old to pursue your passions. If you’ve always wanted to do something, but it seemed like you never had the opportunity, and now you’re at a point in your life where you could change your entire way of living, don’t hold yourself back.

Make that leap.

Anything good in life won’t always come easy. There’s always going to be some sort of a fight to get from point A to point B. Your plan A may turn into a plan J when you run into different roadblocks.

Push through the obstacles.

You only have one life to lead, why wouldn’t you strive to make it the best one for yourself? There’s always going to be a different path that you could have taken. You may get a lot of negative feedback from people you thought you could trust.

Ever seen that one Will Smith movie where he wants to make a better future for his son? How hard did he have to work to make his life the way he wanted it? Why wouldn’t that be said for us in real life?

Start your own grind.

Write down your dream. Whatever it is: starting a company, buying a house, writing a novel, moving across the world. Write that down. Do some research if you need to. Make a list of anything and everything you need to do to obtain that dream.

Make your dream your reality.

Plan for your ideal future.

Stop standing in your own way.

For a long time, I let someone hold me back.

Myself.

There was a point that I didn’t want to be where I was anymore, so I made the change that needed to be made.

Right now, I’m building my foundation for the life I want to have.

Anything is possible.

Change Of Plans

Five years ago, I decided to give up the pursuit of relationships. Yes, I dated here and there, but overall I chose to focus on me. I learned to love myself. Work became my main priority. Basically, I became that bad-ass independent woman every woman out there strives to be. To be completely honest, I’m pretty sure the only reason I even dated was to get laid more often.

A little over a year ago, I felt fulfilled in my single adventure. When I moved back home, I met a guy and things went….well they went okay for a little while. When we split up, I realized how much of myself I had lost in that relationship trying to get back out there. That realization made me rethink everything. I put my big girl panties back on and just deal with myself.

My ex, a different one from many years ago, moved back into town, and I heavily considered settling down and throwing in the towel so I could go back to focusing on work.

This story comes with a point.

About a month into “dating” (if you could honestly call it that) the ex, I met someone. Someone that totally swept me off my feet, leaves me breathless just thinking about him, and makes my insides turn mushy and tumble out in a wave of giggles.

Obviously, I had to let the ex go.

Meeting someone that you have an instant connection with is a rare occurrence that usually only happens in movies, or once upon a time with our great grandparents. Letting that slip passed would have been the worst fairytale ending.

Moral here: sometimes things happen when you least expect it. Things can fall into place when you turn a corner.

This is more of a To Be Continued..

A Story About Myself

Sometimes, I forget.

I forget the beauty in the moment of people caring for other people.

I forget people need the comfort of other people.

I’ve mainly done things by myself, even when I’ve been surrounded by people.

Loneliness has not always been an option for me; sometimes it was forced on me.

But I chose to make the most out of it.

There’s beauty to be found in the silence.

I keep a small, tight, loving, circle of friends.

For a long time, though, I didn’t feel rooted to home.

A home without roots isn’t a home.

When the opportunity to fly was handed to me, I took it and ran.

I ran 5 hours away from home.

I cried the morning I left for the first 3 hour drive.

I made a home in those 5 hours away, though.

There were people that took me in as their own; whose love knew no bounds.

They filled me with love and kindness.

But no matter how wanted I felt, the roots didn’t sprout there.

So I moved 3 hours away.

I knew going into this move that it would be hard, that it wouldn’t last.

There was a feeling going into it, but I tried to avoid it.

I met so many more wonderful people there.

People with history.

People that made me feel something magical.

Finding magic in a strange place is glorious.

When things got suffocating, I made a choice.

I decided to move 8 hours back home.

This was the 2nd time I had cried.

I felt my adventure was over.

I thought I had given up on all my dreams.

I set out to find new ones.

Then I met a boy.

He made me feel things, too.

And then things got toxic.

I lost him.

It helped me see I had fully lost the me I had built in the previous 4 years.

I reconnected with an old friend.

His energy and drive helped me get my spark back.

I found my roots in my self.

I am my own home.

Everyday’s an adventure.

People need other people.

But people need themselves, too.

If life had never happened to me, I never would be here to tell stories.

Even if the adventure went full circle.

It doesn’t matter where you start or where you end.

As long as you have some sort of support system, and if that support system includes yourself, you’re exactly where you need to be.

For Those Struggling Through The Holidays

We’re in the short stretch to the Holidays, and to everyone currently struggling, whether it be financially or emotionally, know that you aren’t alone.

These are hard times: the dollar doesn’t stretch as far as it used to. You want to be able to get your mother everything she desires. You want to be able to get your kid that way overpriced toy they’ve had their eye on. Don’t stress.

Your mom will be happy you showed up to that Christmas party, no matter how hungover you are.

Your child will get over that inevitable tantrum they are going to throw, and eventually, will forgive you.

This is a time of love and family, not monetary value.

Spending the holidays alone?

Go buy yourself a new fancy outfit.

Get dressed up.

Pour yourself a drink.

Pop in a sappy Christmas movie.

Cry your eyes out.

By the time the movie is over, you’ll find your strength. Smile. These moments are fleeting. You are strong and you will get through this.

You may be by yourself this year, but next you could be surrounded by people and wish you weren’t. You’ll regret not taking this time for yourself.

You might feel like you’re drowning right now, but the surface is near. You will get your head above water soon.

The future is bright, specially with you in it.

Company You Keep

Everyone wants to be remembered. Whether it’s by becoming rich and famous, or changing the world; we all want to make our mark on the world. Of course there’s many different actions that need to happen in order to get anywhere or do anything.

One thing that sometimes gets overlooked is the people you invest your time into. Time is such a valuable thing, and investing too much into the wrong crowd can be devastating to your mental and physical wellbeing. People can give and take so much energy from you, and negative energy wears the mind 10xs faster than positive.

In my lifetime, I’ve been blessed with both positive and negative people. Letting as many of the negatives go let me thrive and be able to do a lot in 3 short years. Currently, I have 2 amazing friends that I spend the majority of my time with (when we aren’t grinding to do our own thing). One is an amazing mother who I’m very proud of, that still has time to listen to me rant and rave about various other things to; we’ve been friends for over 12 years. The other one is an inspiring entrepreneur who recently launched his own clothing brand. The link to his website is in the top corner. 

Having these 2 has really helped push my creativity and drive me to pursue things I had only dreamed of doing. This blog for example, I had considered it but had never really put a lot of effort into making it happen until one fateful Tuesday night meeting. I also have a novel in the works, more on that later.

As bad as it sounds, letting people go to give more time to the ones that have a positive impact was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Being young at this day and age can have it’s downfall, with all the evil going on around us; it’s up to us to make the best of ourselves and thrive towards a brighter future.