Playing Dress Up

Every one has their down days, weeks, months, or even years. Every so often life seems to pin wheel out of control sending us on a dead end road in the middle of no where.

You know the times I’m talking about?

When even as you’re standing in a room completely full of people, you look around and think “I am so alone right now”. And every little thing makes you want to burst into tears for no logical reason.

I’ve been feeling that frequently over the passed couple weeks. No matter what happened or what I tried doing, I just couldn’t snap myself out of it.

This last Saturday, I stepped my game up. I threw on some comfy, warm (because it’s fall and everything after dark is like stepping into a freezer) clothes and took myself out to a concert one of my favorite bands was playing.

The first half hour or so was spent with that alone feeling. I was texting one of my best friends and my boyfriend, but still it sat in the pit of my stomach kicking my anxiety levels into gear and making me question why I even bothered going.

Then a band I like, that I didn’t realize was playing that night, came out, and that empty feeling fell away.

Music has this crazy, beautiful way of uniting a room full of strangers. I know I’ve said it before, but you can’t sit around and wait for someone to feed your happy. Recovering from an episode sometimes takes doing it yourself.

After the band played that I was there to watch, I left because I had to be up early. When I got back to my car I was overwhelmed by this feeling of… Me. I felt like me for the first time in a long while. I hadn’t realized I had missed that full part of me for as long as I have been.

I was unconditionally happy. Every worry I had been holding in had left. The fights I had that were weighing me down felt lighter.

The next couple days seemed to be easier to get through. I decided to get dressed up when my boyfriend wanted to go to dinner: dress, heels, full face of make up. That hadn’t been on my list of priorities in like.. months.

Taking that first step, putting on real clothes, getting out of my comfort zone for an evening, helped kick start a process that nothing else was turning over.

When we were younger, we’d play make believe. Pretend we were something we weren’t. Live out a fantasy as something magical, or what we wanted to be when we grew up. Somewhere along the line, that stopped. Why? We’re older. We know things we didn’t know back then.

Sure, our definition of make believe has changed.

That doesn’t have to stop us from dressing up and doing the thing that’s out of character for us.

Go do the thing.

Broken Necks Or Broken Ankles

When your life is on the line do you fight or give in?

Just a little self promotion here:

I wrote a book. It’s available on Amazon and pre-order in Kindle.

You’ll meet Alyson Winter. She’ll take you on a wild ride while she traverses family time and work.

This is proud you can do anything you set out to do.

Hope you enjoy it.

Link to Amazon

Link to Kindle

When to Let Go

There’s a moment in the quiet when you wonder if it’s worth it.

Is all of the happiness worth the small moments of sad?

Is it worth it to constantly question your worth when you already know where you stand?

When you care about someone or something so fully where all you want to do is fight through all of the bullshit. You wade through all of the shit hoping your thoughts and feelings will be seen and heard just as much as you take in the opposite thoughts and feelings.

But when do you stop fighting?

A person can only put up with so much of something before they’re ready to just walk away. No matter how much it’ll hurt to leave, staying might hurt even worse.

I preach the whole “Find yourself and don’t let anyone tell you that you’re less” topic. But I’ll be the first to tell you I don’t always live by that. And I hate it. I hate it more than anything in the universe.

I spent years dealing with shitty relationships and shitty people.

I spent years building myself up from rock bottom.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve made my voice known, and at the end of it, it feels like all of that was for nothing.

You put so much of yourself into something that even when you’re 86% happy, the thought of leaving that situation seems so impossible.

The good always outweighs the bad. But at what point is the bad just too much to handle?

Is it growing up when you allow yourself the moments of miserable? Or is it knowing the miserable moments and being able to say “Yeah, okay, I think I’m over this”?

New Adventures

People tend to get set in their own ways. We develop these routines, or even just have our own specific interests that we vehemently hold onto and only do those things.
There’s nothing wrong with that.
It’s been shown that as we age, our interests change. If we aren’t out there expanding our horizons and learning new things, there isn’t room for growth. Sticking to a set of specifics gets tiring. I believe this is a cause for depression.

Over the last few months, I’ve tried so many new food places and listened to such a wide variety of music than what I usually do. I feel so much better than I have before. Seeing the world through new eyes has gotten me to come out of a rut that I didn’t know I had fallen into.

I still struggle some days, but it seems to be a smaller window of down than it has been before.

Putting yourself in a new, unfamiliar environment can be terrifying. Believe me, I have passed on quite a few opportunities just for that fact.

Risk can be rewarding, though.

You might fall in love with a new culture, or scene, or even just a person.

If you’re constantly doing or listening to the same things over and over, make a change.

A boring life isn’t fulfilling.

Hit up a new restaurant.

Check out a different type of concert.

Spread your wings and fly, Sweetheart.

When You’re Down

My biggest hope in this life to is to breach someone’s silent scream for help. There doesn’t need to be a full audience. Just one person to walk away saying “I needed to hear that”.

I am unashamed to say I am not happy where I’m at in life, but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. And I’m constantly working to better myself and my surroundings to be even happier.

There’s always dark within the light, though.

Depression is a dark cloud that likes to rain down even on the sunniest of days.

And it’s okay to be sad.

It’s okay to feel down when you know you should be shining bright.

The inexplicable onset of sadness is okay. It doesn’t shape who you are in your moments of happy.

War wages within each and everyone of us constantly. Joy and melancholy constantly fight for the upper hand.

Sometimes Joy wins.

Sometimes Melancholy wins.

Struggling means you’re alive.

Sometimes you can’t pinpoint why you feel either.

Today was one of my good days. I felt content with myself and the world around me.

Tomorrow might be different.

And that is okay.

Let the dark cloud hang if it needs to.

There’s always sunshine waiting to ring in a new day.

Story Telling

Stories have an impact on our mental well-being.

Throughout the years, humans have always shared stories whether it be about something that has happened to you during your day, or sharing information to help someone’s health.

I enjoy people’s stories.

Where are you from?

What’s your favorite thing in your life right now?

What has happened to you to form you into the person that I’m having this conversation with right now?

Everyone you see has a story. We never really know what someone is currently going through.

That’s what makes us unique. We might be able to relate to something, but grasping the full effect that something has on someone’s psyche is something we will never actually understand.

Isn’t that beautiful?

When we make friends or start a new relationship, our first conversations are spent learning about the other person and giving lessons on ourselves. You’re intrigued with this person. You want to know everything about this person. You want to know why they move a certain way or what they want for the future.

You want to make their stories your own.

You want to make new stories with this them.

Inside jokes start to form. When you attend a family function, you tell stories to your family about this person and stories with you and this person.

The human race thrives on knowledge. We’re always searching for more information for us to absorb. The thing that no one realizes is that this search doesn’t just include math or literature or medicine. We learn about other people, our favorite actors, the band we’re currently listening to , or the person living next door.

We grow with the stories of those surrounding us.

It also helps us to tell our stories. We get to know ourselves a little bit better.

Take the time to learn about someone you interact with.

Limit Not Met

Limits. Our worst enemy.

We give ourselves limitations that we don’t even realize we do it.

I’m not talking about all the restrictions our parents gave us growing up, which if you’re still holding onto those you should probably grow up. Go eat ice cream for dinner or stay up passed 9 to watch your TV show.

This is a little deeper.

Self doubt has led us to believe that we are only capable of doing so much in our lives.

“Well I’ve never sang in front of a crowd, so I can’t.”

“I’ve never eaten this type of food so I’ll probably hate it.”

Wrong. Do all of the things you want to do.

Limitations should be thrown out the window. Let’s be brutally honest right here: the only thought that should ever go through your mind when deciding if something is right or wrong for you to do is “will this kill me or be harmful to my mental health?”. Example: don’t jump off a building without safety precautions or eat something you’re allergic to or poisonous. You will die and that’s not what the aim is here.

We are our own worst enemies when it comes to our mindsets.

Think about it. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t? What is your reasoning for not following through? Is it because you’ve told yourself you would fail? Or has someone else told you that you’d fail and instead of realizing how ridiculous that thought is you held onto it and turned it into your own thought?

Take a look at yourself in the mirror, remind yourself that you’re an amazing individual and are capable of magical things. Might take a few tries, but your negativity will eventually turn positive.

Go out and make memories. These experiences are beautiful.

Screw your negative inner monologue. Go climb your own mountains.

Change Of Plans

Five years ago, I decided to give up the pursuit of relationships. Yes, I dated here and there, but overall I chose to focus on me. I learned to love myself. Work became my main priority. Basically, I became that bad-ass independent woman every woman out there strives to be. To be completely honest, I’m pretty sure the only reason I even dated was to get laid more often.

A little over a year ago, I felt fulfilled in my single adventure. When I moved back home, I met a guy and things went….well they went okay for a little while. When we split up, I realized how much of myself I had lost in that relationship trying to get back out there. That realization made me rethink everything. I put my big girl panties back on and just deal with myself.

My ex, a different one from many years ago, moved back into town, and I heavily considered settling down and throwing in the towel so I could go back to focusing on work.

This story comes with a point.

About a month into “dating” (if you could honestly call it that) the ex, I met someone. Someone that totally swept me off my feet, leaves me breathless just thinking about him, and makes my insides turn mushy and tumble out in a wave of giggles.

Obviously, I had to let the ex go.

Meeting someone that you have an instant connection with is a rare occurrence that usually only happens in movies, or once upon a time with our great grandparents. Letting that slip passed would have been the worst fairytale ending.

Moral here: sometimes things happen when you least expect it. Things can fall into place when you turn a corner.

This is more of a To Be Continued..

Motivation Resolution 

It’s that time of year again when everyone is pumped to start their year off right. We all hit the ground running telling ourselves that it’s going to be our year; this is the one that is going to change our lives.

After X amount of time, however, we hit a snag and let that completely derail the rest of our year and by the end of the line, we’re over it and wanting the next year to start so we can give it another try.

Every day is a new day. Every moment counts. The highs are beautiful, the lows are dreary.

Through every storm comes a rainbow.

Don’t let a setback define your life; hurdle through it. We make our moments count, positive or negative. Every negative can lead to a positive. 

Be the positivity you seek in your daily life. 

This may be the beginning of 2018, but every day can be the beginning of whatever adventure you wish to seek. 

Carpe diem. 

Happy New Year, everyone. 

A Story About Myself

Sometimes, I forget.

I forget the beauty in the moment of people caring for other people.

I forget people need the comfort of other people.

I’ve mainly done things by myself, even when I’ve been surrounded by people.

Loneliness has not always been an option for me; sometimes it was forced on me.

But I chose to make the most out of it.

There’s beauty to be found in the silence.

I keep a small, tight, loving, circle of friends.

For a long time, though, I didn’t feel rooted to home.

A home without roots isn’t a home.

When the opportunity to fly was handed to me, I took it and ran.

I ran 5 hours away from home.

I cried the morning I left for the first 3 hour drive.

I made a home in those 5 hours away, though.

There were people that took me in as their own; whose love knew no bounds.

They filled me with love and kindness.

But no matter how wanted I felt, the roots didn’t sprout there.

So I moved 3 hours away.

I knew going into this move that it would be hard, that it wouldn’t last.

There was a feeling going into it, but I tried to avoid it.

I met so many more wonderful people there.

People with history.

People that made me feel something magical.

Finding magic in a strange place is glorious.

When things got suffocating, I made a choice.

I decided to move 8 hours back home.

This was the 2nd time I had cried.

I felt my adventure was over.

I thought I had given up on all my dreams.

I set out to find new ones.

Then I met a boy.

He made me feel things, too.

And then things got toxic.

I lost him.

It helped me see I had fully lost the me I had built in the previous 4 years.

I reconnected with an old friend.

His energy and drive helped me get my spark back.

I found my roots in my self.

I am my own home.

Everyday’s an adventure.

People need other people.

But people need themselves, too.

If life had never happened to me, I never would be here to tell stories.

Even if the adventure went full circle.

It doesn’t matter where you start or where you end.

As long as you have some sort of support system, and if that support system includes yourself, you’re exactly where you need to be.