When You’re Down

My biggest hope in this life to is to breach someone’s silent scream for help. There doesn’t need to be a full audience. Just one person to walk away saying “I needed to hear that”.

I am unashamed to say I am not happy where I’m at in life, but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. And I’m constantly working to better myself and my surroundings to be even happier.

There’s always dark within the light, though.

Depression is a dark cloud that likes to rain down even on the sunniest of days.

And it’s okay to be sad.

It’s okay to feel down when you know you should be shining bright.

The inexplicable onset of sadness is okay. It doesn’t shape who you are in your moments of happy.

War wages within each and everyone of us constantly. Joy and melancholy constantly fight for the upper hand.

Sometimes Joy wins.

Sometimes Melancholy wins.

Struggling means you’re alive.

Sometimes you can’t pinpoint why you feel either.

Today was one of my good days. I felt content with myself and the world around me.

Tomorrow might be different.

And that is okay.

Let the dark cloud hang if it needs to.

There’s always sunshine waiting to ring in a new day.

Persistence is Key

What are your dreams?

What do you strive for?

Are you working towards your goals?

Have you hit a roadblock and given up? Why?

If you’re not happy with where you are in life, make a change.

Start chasing your dreams.

You’re never too old to pursue your passions. If you’ve always wanted to do something, but it seemed like you never had the opportunity, and now you’re at a point in your life where you could change your entire way of living, don’t hold yourself back.

Make that leap.

Anything good in life won’t always come easy. There’s always going to be some sort of a fight to get from point A to point B. Your plan A may turn into a plan J when you run into different roadblocks.

Push through the obstacles.

You only have one life to lead, why wouldn’t you strive to make it the best one for yourself? There’s always going to be a different path that you could have taken. You may get a lot of negative feedback from people you thought you could trust.

Ever seen that one Will Smith movie where he wants to make a better future for his son? How hard did he have to work to make his life the way he wanted it? Why wouldn’t that be said for us in real life?

Start your own grind.

Write down your dream. Whatever it is: starting a company, buying a house, writing a novel, moving across the world. Write that down. Do some research if you need to. Make a list of anything and everything you need to do to obtain that dream.

Make your dream your reality.

Plan for your ideal future.

Stop standing in your own way.

For a long time, I let someone hold me back.

Myself.

There was a point that I didn’t want to be where I was anymore, so I made the change that needed to be made.

Right now, I’m building my foundation for the life I want to have.

Anything is possible.

Story Telling

Stories have an impact on our mental well-being.

Throughout the years, humans have always shared stories whether it be about something that has happened to you during your day, or sharing information to help someone’s health.

I enjoy people’s stories.

Where are you from?

What’s your favorite thing in your life right now?

What has happened to you to form you into the person that I’m having this conversation with right now?

Everyone you see has a story. We never really know what someone is currently going through.

That’s what makes us unique. We might be able to relate to something, but grasping the full effect that something has on someone’s psyche is something we will never actually understand.

Isn’t that beautiful?

When we make friends or start a new relationship, our first conversations are spent learning about the other person and giving lessons on ourselves. You’re intrigued with this person. You want to know everything about this person. You want to know why they move a certain way or what they want for the future.

You want to make their stories your own.

You want to make new stories with this them.

Inside jokes start to form. When you attend a family function, you tell stories to your family about this person and stories with you and this person.

The human race thrives on knowledge. We’re always searching for more information for us to absorb. The thing that no one realizes is that this search doesn’t just include math or literature or medicine. We learn about other people, our favorite actors, the band we’re currently listening to , or the person living next door.

We grow with the stories of those surrounding us.

It also helps us to tell our stories. We get to know ourselves a little bit better.

Take the time to learn about someone you interact with.

Scar Tissue

Open wounds hurt. They sting. They bleed. After a given time, they just stop though. Sometimes we bandage them up to help them heal faster, other times we let them breathe and hang out for the world to see what happened.

This can also be said for our emotional wounds. Whether it be a broken heart, the loss of a loved one, or even a rough time we’re going through, everyone handles their pain differently.

We drown ourselves in alcohol, therapy sessions, sad retail shopping, or the love of everyone around us; those are our bandages. And that is okay. Not everything can heal on its own.

Other times, we hold it in and suffer in silence. Which can be okay, too. Sometimes toxic, though.

Pain is only a temporary state of existence. Yes, time can heal all wounds, but time needs to have help and the patience for it to do it’s job.

The greatest part about flesh wound is, after they’ve stopped bleeding, stopped hurting, had their time to heal, they leave behind scars to remind us of a period in time. They remind us of where we’ve been.

Remember that time you were walking your friends dog and he got too excited and knocked you over?

Remember that time you were working, not fully paying attention, and knocked a pile of boxes on top of you?

Remember when you got in the middle of a dog fight?

Remember when you were playing your favorite sport, tore a ligament and had to have surgery?

When you were longboarding and ate shit on a hill?

Or the time you went camping and caught a burning marshmallow on your arm?

These are all points in your life leading up to your now. They’ve all helped to mold you into who you are in some way or another.

Some of these memories may still burn when you see the scar that came from it, but the best part about them?

Scar tissue fades, too.

Change Of Plans

Five years ago, I decided to give up the pursuit of relationships. Yes, I dated here and there, but overall I chose to focus on me. I learned to love myself. Work became my main priority. Basically, I became that bad-ass independent woman every woman out there strives to be. To be completely honest, I’m pretty sure the only reason I even dated was to get laid more often.

A little over a year ago, I felt fulfilled in my single adventure. When I moved back home, I met a guy and things went….well they went okay for a little while. When we split up, I realized how much of myself I had lost in that relationship trying to get back out there. That realization made me rethink everything. I put my big girl panties back on and just deal with myself.

My ex, a different one from many years ago, moved back into town, and I heavily considered settling down and throwing in the towel so I could go back to focusing on work.

This story comes with a point.

About a month into “dating” (if you could honestly call it that) the ex, I met someone. Someone that totally swept me off my feet, leaves me breathless just thinking about him, and makes my insides turn mushy and tumble out in a wave of giggles.

Obviously, I had to let the ex go.

Meeting someone that you have an instant connection with is a rare occurrence that usually only happens in movies, or once upon a time with our great grandparents. Letting that slip passed would have been the worst fairytale ending.

Moral here: sometimes things happen when you least expect it. Things can fall into place when you turn a corner.

This is more of a To Be Continued..

Motivation Resolution 

It’s that time of year again when everyone is pumped to start their year off right. We all hit the ground running telling ourselves that it’s going to be our year; this is the one that is going to change our lives.

After X amount of time, however, we hit a snag and let that completely derail the rest of our year and by the end of the line, we’re over it and wanting the next year to start so we can give it another try.

Every day is a new day. Every moment counts. The highs are beautiful, the lows are dreary.

Through every storm comes a rainbow.

Don’t let a setback define your life; hurdle through it. We make our moments count, positive or negative. Every negative can lead to a positive. 

Be the positivity you seek in your daily life. 

This may be the beginning of 2018, but every day can be the beginning of whatever adventure you wish to seek. 

Carpe diem. 

Happy New Year, everyone. 

A Story About Myself

Sometimes, I forget.

I forget the beauty in the moment of people caring for other people.

I forget people need the comfort of other people.

I’ve mainly done things by myself, even when I’ve been surrounded by people.

Loneliness has not always been an option for me; sometimes it was forced on me.

But I chose to make the most out of it.

There’s beauty to be found in the silence.

I keep a small, tight, loving, circle of friends.

For a long time, though, I didn’t feel rooted to home.

A home without roots isn’t a home.

When the opportunity to fly was handed to me, I took it and ran.

I ran 5 hours away from home.

I cried the morning I left for the first 3 hour drive.

I made a home in those 5 hours away, though.

There were people that took me in as their own; whose love knew no bounds.

They filled me with love and kindness.

But no matter how wanted I felt, the roots didn’t sprout there.

So I moved 3 hours away.

I knew going into this move that it would be hard, that it wouldn’t last.

There was a feeling going into it, but I tried to avoid it.

I met so many more wonderful people there.

People with history.

People that made me feel something magical.

Finding magic in a strange place is glorious.

When things got suffocating, I made a choice.

I decided to move 8 hours back home.

This was the 2nd time I had cried.

I felt my adventure was over.

I thought I had given up on all my dreams.

I set out to find new ones.

Then I met a boy.

He made me feel things, too.

And then things got toxic.

I lost him.

It helped me see I had fully lost the me I had built in the previous 4 years.

I reconnected with an old friend.

His energy and drive helped me get my spark back.

I found my roots in my self.

I am my own home.

Everyday’s an adventure.

People need other people.

But people need themselves, too.

If life had never happened to me, I never would be here to tell stories.

Even if the adventure went full circle.

It doesn’t matter where you start or where you end.

As long as you have some sort of support system, and if that support system includes yourself, you’re exactly where you need to be.

For Those Struggling Through The Holidays

We’re in the short stretch to the Holidays, and to everyone currently struggling, whether it be financially or emotionally, know that you aren’t alone.

These are hard times: the dollar doesn’t stretch as far as it used to. You want to be able to get your mother everything she desires. You want to be able to get your kid that way overpriced toy they’ve had their eye on. Don’t stress.

Your mom will be happy you showed up to that Christmas party, no matter how hungover you are.

Your child will get over that inevitable tantrum they are going to throw, and eventually, will forgive you.

This is a time of love and family, not monetary value.

Spending the holidays alone?

Go buy yourself a new fancy outfit.

Get dressed up.

Pour yourself a drink.

Pop in a sappy Christmas movie.

Cry your eyes out.

By the time the movie is over, you’ll find your strength. Smile. These moments are fleeting. You are strong and you will get through this.

You may be by yourself this year, but next you could be surrounded by people and wish you weren’t. You’ll regret not taking this time for yourself.

You might feel like you’re drowning right now, but the surface is near. You will get your head above water soon.

The future is bright, specially with you in it.

A Letter to the 15 Year-Old Me

I know you’re going through some stuff right now, and I’m not going to tell you that things get better, but they do get easier.

Go make more friends; I can’t promise they’ll be around after high school, but you’ll have more memories. The memories are what count. Small talk sucks, but make it. And stop ignoring people that make you mad, that shit is annoying. Spend more time with Jakx. That girl is the biggest support you get, be better to her. You don’t meet your other two best friends for a few years, but they’re coming, and they’re amazing too. 

Your parents aren’t going to get through this, you already know that. One won’t make it at all. They need to figure this out on their own. Don’t let them use you and your sister as pawns.

Stand up for yourself. You have a fucking opinion. Use it whenever you can. Some people actually want to hear it, too.

Don’t go chasing love. Be open to it if it comes to you. Don’t try to hang on to it when it tries to leave. You’re going to have your heart broken in so many ways, be ready for it. Heartbreak sucks, but it forms you, and you’re pretty kick ass.

Let go. Nobody is actually judging you, and if they are, fuck them. Be wild and free. Stop saying “Well I almost”. That’s not fun. There’s a point where you have to buckle down and be serious. Be the fun girl until then. Try new things.

Listen to more music. Everything you hate now you end up loving. Just roll with it. Bands you stop listening to keep making great music you won’t hear for years. And yes, you still love Hawthorne Heights.

You’re going to end up in a weird relationship. Leave it. None of that is worth it. High school sweethearts are cute, but that is not for you.

9 years later, you still have no idea what your life is and what you’re doing with it. It’s a fun adventure to find it out though.

Save money. Actually figure out what is important, and that dumb cup isn’t. Take care of the possessions you have. Old is reliable.

Keep in touch with all your old friends from Jr high. They do cool shit with their lives. You do cool shit with yours. Do it all together.

Lastly, love yourself. Take care of yourself. You’re doing a good job now, but there’s always improvement. Write more. Sing along to more songs. Drink more water. Be you.

Backsliding 101

Sometimes, backsliding can be a magical thing.

Before I explain, for those that don’t know, here’s the Merriam-Webster definition of “Backslide”:

1 :to lapse morally or in the practice of religion; 2 :to revert to a worse condition.

In this scenario, we’re talking relationships. More importantly, we’re talking sex.

Really, it’s a double edge sword. On the one hand, you can slide into bed with an ex that already knows all the buttons to push to make you exclaim Hallelujah from the rooftops. There’s no training someone new. No awkward dates to be had.

On the other hand, feelings. If the two of you go into it knowing there won’t be a full relationship, awesome. What happens when you don’t discuss? Well, for starters, you throw out that booty-call text, and then get a wave of anxiety when they’re on their way over and you’re not sure if you still have feelings for them or not, specially when you know they definitely still feel the same as they did, say, years ago when you guys actually dated.

Now, as a heads up, when I backslide, I backslide… HARD. Usually with the guy that tore me up when the relationship ended. Different guy in this case though. This is the on-again, off-again relationship that started when I was 12. Why did it not work out with him in the end? Well, he wanted a lot more than I did. I’m not one that truly believes that marriage is for everyone, unless you feel like you’re in a whirlwind. That’s a different story though.

So, it happened. Now what? There’s definitely a different mindset here instead of the 18 year-old I was when we finally called it quits. Having an open mind to life is probably the greatest gift I’ve ever given to myself; well that, and remembering to put myself first.

Everything in life comes with risks: take each and every one. Reach out to the person you had fun with. Know things might or might not happen. Take the leap. You might just enjoy the outcome.