People and Change

Recently, I’ve heard a lot of stories about people “changing”; I wanted to use this as an opportunity to share my views as to why I think that’s all bullshit. Now I know you’re thinking “Oh boy, a negative rant is coming” but you’re wrong. I believe there are different levels to the human psyche and what people call “change” is really just an evolution of something that is already there. Or on the reverse side of the spectrum, it’s a ruse.

We are all the product of the nurturing that was given to us as children. There’s so many stories out there about successful people coming from broken homes and abusive parents. When you dive in and look at these stories, there’s always a positive in there like an idol or a hobby. Young boy may have taken up basketball and because that made him feel good, he honed his skills and received a scholarship or whatnot, or a young girl could have had a nice neighbor who she grew up to do something similar as to become a productive member of society.

There’s also those that took to the substance lifestyle, and because that made them feel good and welcome, they became addicts. When those addicts “turn their life around”, they’re only holding the bad behind a curtain that could come crashing down at any moment.

A child that grew up in, let’s say, a cannibal colony grows up thinking that cannibalism is an acceptable thing. Colony gets raided, child moves out into the real world where he learns his definition of right and wrong isn’t the societal definition of right and wrong. He’ll grow up knowing it isn’t okay to chow down on his best friend, but if that wall shifts that he had built over that part of his life, guess what? His little friend could become dinner.

Someone in prison, who grew up surrounded by bad can move his focus to the positive in life and get his shit on track. That negative thing still lingers in the hallway of his brain, though. He looses that positive focus and ends right back where he started.

I have a friend who when younger had friends that influenced him negatively, and as he got older, made more positive friendships and was able to switch everything that was negative in his life over to something more positive. That “change” wasn’t an actual change. I knew his “before self” and could tell all of the drive was there waiting to be unlocked.

Take me for example, in high school I thought I had to find “The One” at an early age. My whole focus was on men and trying to make myself be whatever they needed. I was fortunate to find a mentor at work, which led me to turn my focus to just finding the love for me and making myself be the best version of me that I needed.

There’s also the fact that I have never believed in marriage. Every marriage that I had to look to when I was growing up was either broken or didn’t last. Meeting my boyfriend, that focus changed. The positivity he brings to me and the support he has given me so far had adjusted that view point to where I could see things going that way. However, there are days I still don’t want to go through with it,but at the end of the day when the negative has cleared, I still see that.

The term change in and of itself is terrifying for people. Usually, when that is the case, it’s because they literally don’t have it in them to change. There isn’t that other door there to be opened. A positive force can push and push and push, but doorways don’t just magically appear in areas where there is no give. And even when they do, it’s like an unstable cave waiting for collapse.

A friend once told me “You can’t fix stupid”. I think that perfectly applies to trying to “change” when you just can’t.

If someone internally has that other side to them, with a positive or negative turn of the focus, people grow into their true selves. No changing involved.

Focus is the key.

When to Let Go

There’s a moment in the quiet when you wonder if it’s worth it.

Is all of the happiness worth the small moments of sad?

Is it worth it to constantly question your worth when you already know where you stand?

When you care about someone or something so fully where all you want to do is fight through all of the bullshit. You wade through all of the shit hoping your thoughts and feelings will be seen and heard just as much as you take in the opposite thoughts and feelings.

But when do you stop fighting?

A person can only put up with so much of something before they’re ready to just walk away. No matter how much it’ll hurt to leave, staying might hurt even worse.

I preach the whole “Find yourself and don’t let anyone tell you that you’re less” topic. But I’ll be the first to tell you I don’t always live by that. And I hate it. I hate it more than anything in the universe.

I spent years dealing with shitty relationships and shitty people.

I spent years building myself up from rock bottom.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve made my voice known, and at the end of it, it feels like all of that was for nothing.

You put so much of yourself into something that even when you’re 86% happy, the thought of leaving that situation seems so impossible.

The good always outweighs the bad. But at what point is the bad just too much to handle?

Is it growing up when you allow yourself the moments of miserable? Or is it knowing the miserable moments and being able to say “Yeah, okay, I think I’m over this”?

Change Of Plans

Five years ago, I decided to give up the pursuit of relationships. Yes, I dated here and there, but overall I chose to focus on me. I learned to love myself. Work became my main priority. Basically, I became that bad-ass independent woman every woman out there strives to be. To be completely honest, I’m pretty sure the only reason I even dated was to get laid more often.

A little over a year ago, I felt fulfilled in my single adventure. When I moved back home, I met a guy and things went….well they went okay for a little while. When we split up, I realized how much of myself I had lost in that relationship trying to get back out there. That realization made me rethink everything. I put my big girl panties back on and just deal with myself.

My ex, a different one from many years ago, moved back into town, and I heavily considered settling down and throwing in the towel so I could go back to focusing on work.

This story comes with a point.

About a month into “dating” (if you could honestly call it that) the ex, I met someone. Someone that totally swept me off my feet, leaves me breathless just thinking about him, and makes my insides turn mushy and tumble out in a wave of giggles.

Obviously, I had to let the ex go.

Meeting someone that you have an instant connection with is a rare occurrence that usually only happens in movies, or once upon a time with our great grandparents. Letting that slip passed would have been the worst fairytale ending.

Moral here: sometimes things happen when you least expect it. Things can fall into place when you turn a corner.

This is more of a To Be Continued..

Being Single Is Hard

Recently, it’s come to my attention just how single I am. I enjoy doing things alone. There’s never a reason for myself to ask permission to do things. If I need an opinion on something, there’s a few friends I am able to text or call and find out what they think. And it’s honestly one of the greatest feelings ever.

I’ve spent much of my adult life single. If I had been connected to someone, there’s very little chance that I would have been able to move around as much as I did (which, in retrospect, wasn’t a lot, however, there was only myself to move and no resistance from someone else not wanting to be uprooted).

On the other end of the spectrum, 80% of my teenage years were spent pining after guys that barely even acknowledged my existence. Why? Why is some knuckle head hoping that her prince charming is some kid, sleeping his way through school and crossing his fingers that he’ll graduate?

It’s instilled upon us at a young age that in order for humanity to survive, we need to find our soul mate. That’s not the case. Be your own fucking soul mate. Be your own prince, or princess, I’m not one to judge.

“Oh no, another feminist rant about it being okay to die alone and own 7,000,000 cats.”

Nope. Go out and be happy.

I, myself, thrive on attention. I absolutely love it. The grocery store near my house acts as a  truck driver bus station, whenever I go there, I always make sure to park near it in order to walk by the truckers and just get a “Hey girl, how you doing?”.

I’m barely 5 feet tall, I can’t reach the top shelf of anything to save my life. Having a tall partner is fantastic in that scenario.

Let’s be real and cover the other topic that came to your mind: sex. Sex toys are also awesome. All those feel good chemicals get released and YOU DID THAT TO YOURSELF. Gold star to you!  One night stands are great, I highly encourage them. A few of my greatest stories are about my one-nighters. But with those, you have to be so careful. Is this person going to give me some rare, untreatable std? Possibly. Could this person be a serial killer and I’m his next victim? Good chance. We need that physical contact sometimes, though, so hell yeah I’m gonna take that chance.

The moral of the story is that you’re not alone in your mixed emotions on being single. Don’t let yourself settle. Do your thing until someone can fit into your life without making you change anything. Be happy with who you are. Make yourself proud. Your mother might be nagging that you’ll never be happy unless your hitched, but chances are good that you’ll be miserable if you just get swept away by the first person that wants to put a ring on it. The main cause of divorce is marriage.

Without a doubt, you can shine just as bright standing next to someone as you could standing alone in a battle field. And you need to do that. Fight for yourself, who else is going to?