Change Of Plans

Five years ago, I decided to give up the pursuit of relationships. Yes, I dated here and there, but overall I chose to focus on me. I learned to love myself. Work became my main priority. Basically, I became that bad-ass independent woman every woman out there strives to be. To be completely honest, I’m pretty sure the only reason I even dated was to get laid more often.

A little over a year ago, I felt fulfilled in my single adventure. When I moved back home, I met a guy and things went….well they went okay for a little while. When we split up, I realized how much of myself I had lost in that relationship trying to get back out there. That realization made me rethink everything. I put my big girl panties back on and just deal with myself.

My ex, a different one from many years ago, moved back into town, and I heavily considered settling down and throwing in the towel so I could go back to focusing on work.

This story comes with a point.

About a month into “dating” (if you could honestly call it that) the ex, I met someone. Someone that totally swept me off my feet, leaves me breathless just thinking about him, and makes my insides turn mushy and tumble out in a wave of giggles.

Obviously, I had to let the ex go.

Meeting someone that you have an instant connection with is a rare occurrence that usually only happens in movies, or once upon a time with our great grandparents. Letting that slip passed would have been the worst fairytale ending.

Moral here: sometimes things happen when you least expect it. Things can fall into place when you turn a corner.

This is more of a To Be Continued..

Motivation Resolution 

It’s that time of year again when everyone is pumped to start their year off right. We all hit the ground running telling ourselves that it’s going to be our year; this is the one that is going to change our lives.

After X amount of time, however, we hit a snag and let that completely derail the rest of our year and by the end of the line, we’re over it and wanting the next year to start so we can give it another try.

Every day is a new day. Every moment counts. The highs are beautiful, the lows are dreary.

Through every storm comes a rainbow.

Don’t let a setback define your life; hurdle through it. We make our moments count, positive or negative. Every negative can lead to a positive. 

Be the positivity you seek in your daily life. 

This may be the beginning of 2018, but every day can be the beginning of whatever adventure you wish to seek. 

Carpe diem. 

Happy New Year, everyone. 

A Story About Myself

Sometimes, I forget.

I forget the beauty in the moment of people caring for other people.

I forget people need the comfort of other people.

I’ve mainly done things by myself, even when I’ve been surrounded by people.

Loneliness has not always been an option for me; sometimes it was forced on me.

But I chose to make the most out of it.

There’s beauty to be found in the silence.

I keep a small, tight, loving, circle of friends.

For a long time, though, I didn’t feel rooted to home.

A home without roots isn’t a home.

When the opportunity to fly was handed to me, I took it and ran.

I ran 5 hours away from home.

I cried the morning I left for the first 3 hour drive.

I made a home in those 5 hours away, though.

There were people that took me in as their own; whose love knew no bounds.

They filled me with love and kindness.

But no matter how wanted I felt, the roots didn’t sprout there.

So I moved 3 hours away.

I knew going into this move that it would be hard, that it wouldn’t last.

There was a feeling going into it, but I tried to avoid it.

I met so many more wonderful people there.

People with history.

People that made me feel something magical.

Finding magic in a strange place is glorious.

When things got suffocating, I made a choice.

I decided to move 8 hours back home.

This was the 2nd time I had cried.

I felt my adventure was over.

I thought I had given up on all my dreams.

I set out to find new ones.

Then I met a boy.

He made me feel things, too.

And then things got toxic.

I lost him.

It helped me see I had fully lost the me I had built in the previous 4 years.

I reconnected with an old friend.

His energy and drive helped me get my spark back.

I found my roots in my self.

I am my own home.

Everyday’s an adventure.

People need other people.

But people need themselves, too.

If life had never happened to me, I never would be here to tell stories.

Even if the adventure went full circle.

It doesn’t matter where you start or where you end.

As long as you have some sort of support system, and if that support system includes yourself, you’re exactly where you need to be.

For Those Struggling Through The Holidays

We’re in the short stretch to the Holidays, and to everyone currently struggling, whether it be financially or emotionally, know that you aren’t alone.

These are hard times: the dollar doesn’t stretch as far as it used to. You want to be able to get your mother everything she desires. You want to be able to get your kid that way overpriced toy they’ve had their eye on. Don’t stress.

Your mom will be happy you showed up to that Christmas party, no matter how hungover you are.

Your child will get over that inevitable tantrum they are going to throw, and eventually, will forgive you.

This is a time of love and family, not monetary value.

Spending the holidays alone?

Go buy yourself a new fancy outfit.

Get dressed up.

Pour yourself a drink.

Pop in a sappy Christmas movie.

Cry your eyes out.

By the time the movie is over, you’ll find your strength. Smile. These moments are fleeting. You are strong and you will get through this.

You may be by yourself this year, but next you could be surrounded by people and wish you weren’t. You’ll regret not taking this time for yourself.

You might feel like you’re drowning right now, but the surface is near. You will get your head above water soon.

The future is bright, specially with you in it.

When There’s No Where To Turn

There have been frequent reports recently about the heroes we grew up admiring taking their own lives due to mental illness. Close friends and relatives feel lost in their own personal battles and give in to the darkness. People constantly preach about “the warning signs” and claim there’s a way to know when someone is at risk.

The reality of the situation is that unless someone reaches out for help, there’s no way of knowing if someone is struggling.

An individual knows, but there’s a stigma that if you’re feeling down that you’re broken, that speaking out on your emotions means you’re weak, but also wrong.

Leaning on people can be a comfort to most. Having that friend you can call at 1 o’clock in the morning when your mind can’t shut down long enough for you to fall asleep is beautiful.

What happens when that person isn’t there? What happens when your support system fails and you have no fall back option?

It’s in these dark moments we have to remember to see the light. Not some metaphorical light. Not the typical “be positive not negative” mantra. The light is you.

Find yourself in your weak moments.

When things seem difficult, take them a step at a time. Whatever that means to you, do it. We find our strength in the little moments. Overwhelming ourselves is dangerous, underwhelming ourselves is much more damaging.

The most important person in your life should be yourself. That is one of the most underrated thoughts in anyone’s head. We always have someone in our lives that we look up to and think “this person is more valuable than I am”, whether it be a parent, a grand parent, offspring, sibling, or close friend. In order to love these people fully, however, we need to make sure we show ourselves love.

We can’t fight other’s battles, only help. We are our own army. You are your own team captain.

Every one is fighting a battle, no matter how strong they appear to be. It’s how we handle those battles that turn us into warriors.

Take care of yourself.

Keep fighting.

You are worth the fight.

A Letter to the 15 Year-Old Me

I know you’re going through some stuff right now, and I’m not going to tell you that things get better, but they do get easier.

Go make more friends; I can’t promise they’ll be around after high school, but you’ll have more memories. The memories are what count. Small talk sucks, but make it. And stop ignoring people that make you mad, that shit is annoying. Spend more time with Jakx. That girl is the biggest support you get, be better to her. You don’t meet your other two best friends for a few years, but they’re coming, and they’re amazing too. 

Your parents aren’t going to get through this, you already know that. One won’t make it at all. They need to figure this out on their own. Don’t let them use you and your sister as pawns.

Stand up for yourself. You have a fucking opinion. Use it whenever you can. Some people actually want to hear it, too.

Don’t go chasing love. Be open to it if it comes to you. Don’t try to hang on to it when it tries to leave. You’re going to have your heart broken in so many ways, be ready for it. Heartbreak sucks, but it forms you, and you’re pretty kick ass.

Let go. Nobody is actually judging you, and if they are, fuck them. Be wild and free. Stop saying “Well I almost”. That’s not fun. There’s a point where you have to buckle down and be serious. Be the fun girl until then. Try new things.

Listen to more music. Everything you hate now you end up loving. Just roll with it. Bands you stop listening to keep making great music you won’t hear for years. And yes, you still love Hawthorne Heights.

You’re going to end up in a weird relationship. Leave it. None of that is worth it. High school sweethearts are cute, but that is not for you.

9 years later, you still have no idea what your life is and what you’re doing with it. It’s a fun adventure to find it out though.

Save money. Actually figure out what is important, and that dumb cup isn’t. Take care of the possessions you have. Old is reliable.

Keep in touch with all your old friends from Jr high. They do cool shit with their lives. You do cool shit with yours. Do it all together.

Lastly, love yourself. Take care of yourself. You’re doing a good job now, but there’s always improvement. Write more. Sing along to more songs. Drink more water. Be you.

Company You Keep

Everyone wants to be remembered. Whether it’s by becoming rich and famous, or changing the world; we all want to make our mark on the world. Of course there’s many different actions that need to happen in order to get anywhere or do anything.

One thing that sometimes gets overlooked is the people you invest your time into. Time is such a valuable thing, and investing too much into the wrong crowd can be devastating to your mental and physical wellbeing. People can give and take so much energy from you, and negative energy wears the mind 10xs faster than positive.

In my lifetime, I’ve been blessed with both positive and negative people. Letting as many of the negatives go let me thrive and be able to do a lot in 3 short years. Currently, I have 2 amazing friends that I spend the majority of my time with (when we aren’t grinding to do our own thing). One is an amazing mother who I’m very proud of, that still has time to listen to me rant and rave about various other things to; we’ve been friends for over 12 years. The other one is an inspiring entrepreneur who recently launched his own clothing brand. The link to his website is in the top corner. 

Having these 2 has really helped push my creativity and drive me to pursue things I had only dreamed of doing. This blog for example, I had considered it but had never really put a lot of effort into making it happen until one fateful Tuesday night meeting. I also have a novel in the works, more on that later.

As bad as it sounds, letting people go to give more time to the ones that have a positive impact was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Being young at this day and age can have it’s downfall, with all the evil going on around us; it’s up to us to make the best of ourselves and thrive towards a brighter future.

Backsliding 101

Sometimes, backsliding can be a magical thing.

Before I explain, for those that don’t know, here’s the Merriam-Webster definition of “Backslide”:

1 :to lapse morally or in the practice of religion; 2 :to revert to a worse condition.

In this scenario, we’re talking relationships. More importantly, we’re talking sex.

Really, it’s a double edge sword. On the one hand, you can slide into bed with an ex that already knows all the buttons to push to make you exclaim Hallelujah from the rooftops. There’s no training someone new. No awkward dates to be had.

On the other hand, feelings. If the two of you go into it knowing there won’t be a full relationship, awesome. What happens when you don’t discuss? Well, for starters, you throw out that booty-call text, and then get a wave of anxiety when they’re on their way over and you’re not sure if you still have feelings for them or not, specially when you know they definitely still feel the same as they did, say, years ago when you guys actually dated.

Now, as a heads up, when I backslide, I backslide… HARD. Usually with the guy that tore me up when the relationship ended. Different guy in this case though. This is the on-again, off-again relationship that started when I was 12. Why did it not work out with him in the end? Well, he wanted a lot more than I did. I’m not one that truly believes that marriage is for everyone, unless you feel like you’re in a whirlwind. That’s a different story though.

So, it happened. Now what? There’s definitely a different mindset here instead of the 18 year-old I was when we finally called it quits. Having an open mind to life is probably the greatest gift I’ve ever given to myself; well that, and remembering to put myself first.

Everything in life comes with risks: take each and every one. Reach out to the person you had fun with. Know things might or might not happen. Take the leap. You might just enjoy the outcome.

Technological Warfare

Three friends go to lunch together on the pretense of catching up. They all sit down and one immediately starts in: what have the others been up to? How are the kids? What is their work situation like? Are they dating again after the last break-up?

The second pulls out their phone and scrolls through different social media, vaguely listening and responding to different cues that pertain to himself.

The third converses with the first, glancing over frequently at the second, peeking over his shoulder. He then pulls out his phone and proceeds to ignore the first to show the second some video he saw earlier.

That’s how most social interactions are now. We are all glued to our screens in search of something greater to do with our time instead of giving our attention to those in front of us.

News flash: when you need help, those social media platforms aren’t going to be there to rub your back and tell you everything is going to be okay.

We’re raising children on tablets and video games, instead of throwing them outside to learn about the real world.

There’s such a luck of emotional attachment to people, with an overabundance to material objects that supply us with instant gratification.

This last month, I’ve had a technological cleanse, and I can’t even begin to explain how different I feel. There’s less stress, my emotions aren’t being spread so thin that I feel I’m suffocating.

If you’re reading this and you’re part of the small percentage that can leave their phone at home and not hyperventilate, I applaud you. You go, Glen Coco.

To everyone else, when was the last time you made small talk with your waiter? Or the person standing in line next to you? When you go out to eat with family or friends, can you keep that phone off yours in your pocket?

Moments are fleeting. Use them to help brighten someone’s day face to face. The viral video of the week will be there later, I promise. 

No Longer Wanted: Negativity

For those that don’t already know: it’s okay not to care about other people’s opinions of you.

It took many years for me to realize that. 4 years ago, I was THAT girl who wouldn’t leave the house without getting all made up. When I would go hang out with friends, I was always super quiet because I didn’t want to say something stupid and become the weird one. I never gave my opinion on anything for fear that I would be wrong or misinterpreted.

There wasn’t a morning that I woke up and just thought “Let’s not give a shit anymore”. This development happened over the span of a few years. I just got fed up with not caring how I felt about things.

That’s the problem with trying to please everyone around you: you lose sight of yourself. Your goals, your dreams, all flushed down the toilet. Take a step back and ask yourself if that’s really what you want for yourself. You allow all of these other people to have a negative impact on your life. 

To be completely upfront and honest with anyone reading this: I don’t have really high self esteem. But I’m a girl so that’s normal. I’m not happy with every aspect of my body, and I constantly ask myself what the hell I’m doing. But that’s me to me.

Do I care if someone doesn’t like how I do my make up? Or they don’t approve of my clothing? Or the music I listen to? Do I care if I do something silly in front of a crowd? 100% of the time, the answer is no.

I chose me. I choose to be happy.

Go out and do the thing you’re scared to do.

Take yourself out to dinner.

Buy all the clothing your mother doesn’t approve of.

Choose you and your happiness over every one, you sparkly unicorn.This is your life. You only get one. Live how you want to.