Recently, I’ve heard a lot of stories about people “changing”; I wanted to use this as an opportunity to share my views as to why I think that’s all bullshit. Now I know you’re thinking “Oh boy, a negative rant is coming” but you’re wrong. I believe there are different levels to the human psyche and what people call “change” is really just an evolution of something that is already there. Or on the reverse side of the spectrum, it’s a ruse.
We are all the product of the nurturing that was given to us as children. There’s so many stories out there about successful people coming from broken homes and abusive parents. When you dive in and look at these stories, there’s always a positive in there like an idol or a hobby. Young boy may have taken up basketball and because that made him feel good, he honed his skills and received a scholarship or whatnot, or a young girl could have had a nice neighbor who she grew up to do something similar as to become a productive member of society.
There’s also those that took to the substance lifestyle, and because that made them feel good and welcome, they became addicts. When those addicts “turn their life around”, they’re only holding the bad behind a curtain that could come crashing down at any moment.
A child that grew up in, let’s say, a cannibal colony grows up thinking that cannibalism is an acceptable thing. Colony gets raided, child moves out into the real world where he learns his definition of right and wrong isn’t the societal definition of right and wrong. He’ll grow up knowing it isn’t okay to chow down on his best friend, but if that wall shifts that he had built over that part of his life, guess what? His little friend could become dinner.
Someone in prison, who grew up surrounded by bad can move his focus to the positive in life and get his shit on track. That negative thing still lingers in the hallway of his brain, though. He looses that positive focus and ends right back where he started.
I have a friend who when younger had friends that influenced him negatively, and as he got older, made more positive friendships and was able to switch everything that was negative in his life over to something more positive. That “change” wasn’t an actual change. I knew his “before self” and could tell all of the drive was there waiting to be unlocked.
Take me for example, in high school I thought I had to find “The One” at an early age. My whole focus was on men and trying to make myself be whatever they needed. I was fortunate to find a mentor at work, which led me to turn my focus to just finding the love for me and making myself be the best version of me that I needed.
There’s also the fact that I have never believed in marriage. Every marriage that I had to look to when I was growing up was either broken or didn’t last. Meeting my boyfriend, that focus changed. The positivity he brings to me and the support he has given me so far had adjusted that view point to where I could see things going that way. However, there are days I still don’t want to go through with it,but at the end of the day when the negative has cleared, I still see that.
The term change in and of itself is terrifying for people. Usually, when that is the case, it’s because they literally don’t have it in them to change. There isn’t that other door there to be opened. A positive force can push and push and push, but doorways don’t just magically appear in areas where there is no give. And even when they do, it’s like an unstable cave waiting for collapse.
A friend once told me “You can’t fix stupid”. I think that perfectly applies to trying to “change” when you just can’t.
If someone internally has that other side to them, with a positive or negative turn of the focus, people grow into their true selves. No changing involved.
Focus is the key.